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    • Home
    • 1 COMMUNICATION STYLES
    • 2 ATTENTION AND LISTENING
    • 3 ASKING QUESTIONS
    • 4 MANAGING IMPACT
    • 5 INSPIRED MEETINGS
    • RESOURCES
  • Home
  • 1 COMMUNICATION STYLES
  • 2 ATTENTION AND LISTENING
  • 3 ASKING QUESTIONS
  • 4 MANAGING IMPACT
  • 5 INSPIRED MEETINGS
  • RESOURCES

Learn: What drives your communication?

Your brain drives all of your communication - even when you are communicating without really thinking about it. Whether you end up with productive or destructive outcomes is based on the chemicals triggered in your brain, your mindset going into the conversation and your needs in the moment.


Explore those three drivers here.

Chemicals

 Different types of communication trigger increases of different chemicals in our brains. These chemicals determine whether we walk away from a conversation feeling motivated, connected, collaborative or threatened.


Explore the different chemicals here.

Dopamine

Adrenaline and cortisol

Dopamine

Dopamine is released when there are limbic rewards.


Perhaps someone feels a sense of belonging in a conversation, their status is raised by being respected, they are being trusted to make their own choices, the interaction feels fair, they are inspired by exciting expectations or they feel more certainty as a result.


This increase in dopami

Dopamine is released when there are limbic rewards.


Perhaps someone feels a sense of belonging in a conversation, their status is raised by being respected, they are being trusted to make their own choices, the interaction feels fair, they are inspired by exciting expectations or they feel more certainty as a result.


This increase in dopamine will increase motivation.


You and your communication partners are most likely to feel this way in collaborative, two way conversations.

Oxytocin

Adrenaline and cortisol

Dopamine

Oxytocin is the chemical of trust and connection.


Oxytocin is generated when there is connection, care, alignment and sharing with others. This happens when vulnerability is present, when people reveal something personal, they share their thoughts and feelings together or relive a shared experience - especially if people have been through 

Oxytocin is the chemical of trust and connection.


Oxytocin is generated when there is connection, care, alignment and sharing with others. This happens when vulnerability is present, when people reveal something personal, they share their thoughts and feelings together or relive a shared experience - especially if people have been through a challenge together. 


Oxytocin may also show up when people laugh together.


Oxytocin is most likely to be released in collaborative conversations.

Adrenaline and cortisol

Adrenaline and cortisol

Adrenaline and cortisol

Adrenaline and cortisol are the result of a limbic threat response. These responses are very normal and very human: threats happen and they are contagious.


Interactions that include limbic threats will often lead to competitive, win-lose types of communication.


These contagions cause minds to close, good will to disappear and possibilities 

Adrenaline and cortisol are the result of a limbic threat response. These responses are very normal and very human: threats happen and they are contagious.


Interactions that include limbic threats will often lead to competitive, win-lose types of communication.


These contagions cause minds to close, good will to disappear and possibilities of collaboration to dry up. It is important to manage limbic system threats as much as possible and have ways to get them out of our system so we can remain collaborative and productive in our interactions.

Mindset

Great conversations are most likely to happen when you have a mindset that invites collaboration, even if there are differing points of view. As we have addressed in earlier chapters, your mindset and attitude will highly influence your behaviour and the impact you have on others.


See this in practice in this conversation between Julia, an expert in her team, and Marilese, the new joiner that she is mentoring.


Select the different mindsets Julia might have to see how they impact her conversation with Marilese and the impact that leaves.

Julia is focusing on some data analysis for a meeting later in the day, when she's interrupted by Marilese. Marilese asks for clarification on the direction of a project. 

"Not AGAIN. She doesn't deserve to work here"

"Not AGAIN. She doesn't deserve to work here"

"Not AGAIN. She doesn't deserve to work here"

With a mindset like this, Julia might make a sarcastic joke or speak in a way that conveys irritation and disregard. Marilese would then likely respond with a limbic reaction, even if it is subtle.


Disregard will not help you tap into a productive and collaborative style of communication.

"Whatever she needs, I can solve it"

"Not AGAIN. She doesn't deserve to work here"

"Not AGAIN. She doesn't deserve to work here"

With a problem-solving mindset like this, Julia is likely to jump into telling Marilese what to do, most likely from a 1-directional style of communication rather than a 2-directional style. She might miss an opportunity to develop Marilese and encourage her to think for herself.


It's easy to believe that it's your responsibility to be the problem solver - especially if you have leadership, line management or mentoring duties - but this mindset does not help you to communicate collaboratively.

"My role as mentor is to develop her"

"Not AGAIN. She doesn't deserve to work here"

"My role as mentor is to develop her"

 

With this mindset, Julia is more likely to invest time in a collaborative, 2-way conversation with Marilese. She's likely to provide empathy and support to guide Marilese to think for herself and figure out what needs to be done.


If you have a mindset of 'My role is to develop others', then you will see that almost any interaction is an opportunity for growth.

Needs

From the limbic system’s point of view, interactions with others can be an opportunity to gain dopamine. Sometimes we try to get dopamine by playing a win-lose game which helps us get our needs met but it is at the expense of others.


How does this happen? Watch this video for an explanation.

Meeting needs at the expense of others

We are social beings and we can help each other get our needs met. This is good for people and good for teams especially when it's done in a win-win way. But problems occur when people try to get their needs met at the expense of others; it creates a win-lose situation.


Examples include: one-upping, talking over people, insulting others, micro-managing, needing to be right, bragging when others are not really interested or driving a point when others have already gotten the message.


Below, we look at an example of one-upping. Notice how a win-win situation becomes win-lose.

Khalil shares a success...

Khalil shares with his colleagues about a project success that they all had contributed to. It's an opportunity for Khalil to create a sense of status - for himself and the team.

and everyone wins.

The others get a feeling of belonging as well as status as they hear Khalil share because he includes them. Everybody is getting some dopamine and everybody wins.

But then George arrives...

But then George arrives. He was not part of the project and he feels excluded by Khalil’s story; his limbic system issues a threat response.

and tells his own story...

With his win-lose mindset, George feels the need for dopamine which he can get by one-upping Khalil’s story. He interrupts and tells his own story of a bigger success that he had recently.

creating a win-lose situation.

It feels competitive and now there is a battle for who is the best. Khalil may end up losing dopamine as will the others who shared his success. While George may have gained some dopamine, others have lost.

Reflect on how you communicate within your team

Take a moment to reflect on what drives your communication using the prompts below. 


Write down your thoughts.

When might your limbic system manipulate your style of communication in order to get chemicals like dopamine?


What kind of mindset do you have when you approach communication with others?


What are your limbic needs, and how might they affect your communication?


How might you go about conversations to create more win-win situations where everyone feels good?

Next: Take action

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