Tool: Metacommunication
Often, when someone is confused after a conversation or has an emotional reaction, it is because there were different expectations about the purpose of the conversation or what was going to happen.
Metacommunication is communicating about the communication you are having or are going to have to create a shared understanding.
Agree the type of interaction
Stating your intended type of communication upfront sets expectations with the others involved. For example:
- This is not a debate, I am providing you with the information you requested.
- I'm sharing unfinished ideas; I would like to get your thoughts and input. But please go easy on the criticism, these are fresh ideas.
- I'm actually looking for push-back so I can prepare for a customer presentation next week; so bring it on.
Set and stick to a procedure
Agreeing a procedure for the communication clarifies expectations for everyone. For example:
- Can we agree that this meeting will only last for 30 minutes?
- Let’s capture questions for a Q&A later, rather than answer questions in the moment.
- I notice we are moving into another topic, can we finish with this one first?
- Let's shift focus to our second point.
Redirect when needed
Redirecting where needed helps you stick to the agreed communication style and procedure. For example:
- We’re both fascinated by new ideas, perhaps we should re-focus on the question we need to answer?
- We started a friendly conversation but now it seems competitive, what do we need to get back to being collaborative?
- We seem to be very tired right now; we need a break.
Closing a conversation
Closing a conversation well ensures everyone leaves clear on the 'Do' part of Feel, Know, Do. For example:
- We are close to the end of the meeting, how should we spend our last 15 minutes?
- Who is going to take which action items?
- What do we do with the unanswered questions?
- Who will do that research and come back next time?
Presenting at a meeting
Development conversation
Development conversation
Imagine Ingrid, an HR specialist, attends a team meeting to present new company policies announced by headquarters.
Without metacommunication:
As Ingrid shares, everyone starts to give input on what the policies should be. This leads to frustration and conflict.
From Ingrid's perspective, the primary purpose of the meeting was to educate the
Imagine Ingrid, an HR specialist, attends a team meeting to present new company policies announced by headquarters.
Without metacommunication:
As Ingrid shares, everyone starts to give input on what the policies should be. This leads to frustration and conflict.
From Ingrid's perspective, the primary purpose of the meeting was to educate the team about the policies. Then, they would work together to figure out how to roll them out. She did not mean to invite debate or even conversation about the policies as they were already fixed by HQ.
With metacommunication:
As Ingrid introduces herself, she sets expectations for the meeting: "I'm here to talk you through the new policies that leadership have signed off. Then we need to discuss and agree how to roll them out. Is that clear for everyone?"
Later, Ingrid realises they have been talking about the same detail for 5 minutes and brings the meeting back on track: "We are stuck on this one point. Let me find out the answer and get back to you after the meeting so we can move on."
Towards the end of the meeting, a few members of the team start talking quietly amongst themselves at the back of the room. Ingrid states what is happening and brings their attention back to the meeting: "I notice another conversation taking place in the back of the room. Could we just spend the next 5 minutes finishing this piece and then we will have a break?"
Development conversation
Development conversation
Development conversation
Greg is meeting with a direct report, Brianna. He wants to start supporting people's longer-term goals. Using his new coaching skills, Greg asks Brianna about her future plans.
Without metacommunication:
Brianna thinks this is a test, like these meetings usually feel. Carefully, she tries to give Greg the right answer. Greg senses her tensi
Greg is meeting with a direct report, Brianna. He wants to start supporting people's longer-term goals. Using his new coaching skills, Greg asks Brianna about her future plans.
Without metacommunication:
Brianna thinks this is a test, like these meetings usually feel. Carefully, she tries to give Greg the right answer. Greg senses her tension and thinks she is a closed book. She senses his frustration and thinks she must have got it wrong.
Brianna is confused and concerned for her job. Greg decides not to try that again.
With metacommunication:
Greg sets expectations and agreements at the start of the meeting "This is an open conversation about your goals; it is not a review".
When he senses that Brianna is being careful about what she says, he names what is going on: "That sounds like a 'right' answer. What would help you feel able to share honestly?'
At the end of the meeting, he summarises what they have agreed and assigns actions to each of them.
Using debate to practise
Development conversation
Using debate to practise
A project team gets together to prepare for a customer review. With input from everyone, the Account Manager, Shona, created a set of slides which she is now presenting to the team.
Without metacommunication:
Suddenly, one team member, Seb, starts asking very critical questions. Shona is defensive and feels attacked. Seb thought he was supp
A project team gets together to prepare for a customer review. With input from everyone, the Account Manager, Shona, created a set of slides which she is now presenting to the team.
Without metacommunication:
Suddenly, one team member, Seb, starts asking very critical questions. Shona is defensive and feels attacked. Seb thought he was supposed to act like their contemptuous customer so they could make sure they have a robust presentation.
Everyone's limbic system reacts and unhelpful behaviours fly around the team.
With metacommunication:
At the start of the meeting, Seb clarifies what Shona wants from him: "Should we imagine we are the customer and ask you questions from their perspective?" Shona clarifies: "I'm ok with the role play as long as you do not attack me personally."
Later, Shona says that she feels that Seb is giving her a hard time. Seb refers back to their agreement: "It's been a tough year with this client. I think they might have some tricky questions for you, like that one. I'm airing those now as we agreed."