Tool: Counteract your brain's tendencies
Our Expertise
It is possible for you to build your listening skills and counteract your brain's tendencies to divert your attention.
Here are six simple-to-use strategies. Keep your eye out for those that counteract the tendencies you identified earlier: Problem solving, Relating, Waiting to respond, Focusing on details, Judging
Counteract problem solving
Solving problems feels good because you get a dose of dopamine every time. But when you solve other people's problems, you are robbing them of this same feel-good opportunity.
Stop stealing their dopamine!
When a problem is presented to you, first listen for - or ask about - what the other person wants in this conversation.
If they ask for you to fix it, great. But maybe they will tell you they want your help in thinking it through and finding a solution themselves. If you support them to find a solution, they will get their own dose of dopamine and they will be more committed to the solution because it was their own idea.
Counteract relating
Relating to others is likely to give you a sense of belonging and connection. But remember, your experience is not necessarily the same as theirs.
Check yourself!
When you find yourself thinking, "I know exactly what you mean!", remind yourself that while you may have had a similar experience, their experience and their feelings are unique to them.
Focus on their version rather than assuming their situation was just like your own.
Counteract waiting to respond
If you find yourself waiting for your chance to respond or ask a question, it may be more helpful to set your response aside and refocus on the person and this conversation.
Have a go at 'voice mirroring'.
This is a technique where you repeat what the other person says in your own mind, as if you are speaking their words.
This can take a little practice, but give it a try.
Counteract focusing on the details
Paying attention to details can be positive, but not if you lose sight of the person and the big picture. When you find yourself focused on the details of the story, imagine trying to pan out, like a wide-angle camera.
Focus on the person, not the details.
What is the bigger picture for the story teller? What are they trying to tell you? What do they really want? What is important for them? A conversation is about the person as much as the detail of what they are talking about.
Counteract building pictures
Your brain forms pictures in your mind in response to what you hear from someone else, whether that's a memory or a new idea. When this happens, challenge yourself to put that picture to the side and come back to it later.
Focus on their picture, instead.
Then, actively listen for what is unique about the idea or picture the other person is trying to paint. Listen carefully to nuances that are different from your own images.
Counteract judgement
When you find yourself thinking, "oh, that's good!" or, "that's wrong!", recognise that you are judging what you are hearing.
Expand your curiosity.
The world is not actually black/white, right/wrong, good/bad or you vs them, even though our limbic system wants it to be that simplistic.
Discipline yourself to set aside your tendencies to judge and instead, expand your curiosity. Expand your ability to be with paradox: learn to hold your own view and listen to others' at the same time. This will require some PFC power, but this is the only way to truly hear someone else's point of view. And who knows, you might learn something incredibly valuable from them.